Final Fantasy IX - An Interpretation
by Infinite Stair
Summary: It's FF9, but from a slightly...skewed perspective. Chapter 3 is up, read at your own risk.
1. Chapter 1

Well, you asked for it. No, no you didn't, I just decided to go with it anyway.  
  
This is going to be lewd, crude, and rude, so if any of those offend you, please don't hesitate to scram.  
  
Ahem.  
  
FINAL FANTASY IX - AN (incorrect) INTERPRETATION  
  
  
  
Zidane had always had problems with his latent homosexuality.  
  
It had started from when he was a little kid. A perverted frood named GARLAND (the utterly memorable Terran Pimp) had created him to be the Ultimate Sex Toy, after his previous toy KUJA had refused to go down on him in the middle of a party. In fact, Kuja had become so enraged by this request that he decided to have a sex change operation, move to the much hipper world of Gaia (Pronounced "Gay") and raise little Zidane as his very own archnemesis. Needless to say, Garland became very peeved by all this, but he consoled himself by inventing and smoking a revolutionary new narcotic called MIST. He built a big tree to produce the stuff because he was really high at the time and the idea of producing drugs in a tree made a lot of sense to him, at the time. Worried that the po-po might crack down on his operation if he called it the Reefer Tree, he settled on Iifa, instead. He bided his time, producing and distributing the MIST and waiting for his chance to reclaim both Kuja and Zidane, so that his long- time dream of an all-male threesome could be realized.  
  
But back to Zidane. While Kuja was off having his sex change operation, dying his hair grey, and getting the license and registration for his Cool White Dragon, Zidane was left in the care of a touring adults only show called TANTALUS, short for Tantalize. Tantalus specialized in providing individual service depending on customer preference. Their repertoire included the Big Sex Bunny, named BAKU, the Blind Beauty, BLANK, the Pirate of Penetration, MARCUS, and Horny the Clown, called CINNA. Zidane made his debut as Monkey Lovin', and was definitely well-received.  
  
For a while, life was idyllic and carefree. They toured all of the continent (now called the Mist Continent, due to the fact that every single inhabitant was perpetually high on the stimulant) in their Love Airboat, raked in the serious gil, and all enjoyed the affection of their resident booty call, RUBY, who charmed them all with her lovely Southern drawl and willingness to take it from any direction, any time.  
  
But life was destined to take a turn for the dramatic soon enough, and our hero would soon find himself flung into the most extreme of circumstances. It all started with a trip to Lindblum, the memorable GRAND CASTLE, where life was exciting, fulfilling, and largely tax-free. A huge industry in the city was the marketing of gyashl pickles, a revolutionary new hallucinogen that made you see big yellow birds and little white things with red balls on their heads. The supplier was an old woman known only as "The Supplier." Zidane tried it, from time to time, and it made him see a white hand pointing to the top of his head.  
  
But back to our story. Tantalus had stopped in on one of their regular visits, a private show for Cid, the Big Man and Head Honcho of Lindblum. Cid had been turned into a cockroach by his wife, who had caught him having sex with a fifteen-year old boy while wearing nothing but a turban and shouting "WHO'S YOUR REGENT?! WHO'S YOUR REGENT?!" The wife had then stormed off and promptly fell into a volcano. More about her later.  
  
Despite his cockroach-ness, Cid still enjoyed the show the "boys" put on. After it was all over, and Cid was putting the oils away, he casually broached a subject with Baku.  
  
"Hey, Bunny-Lover?"  
  
"Yeah, King Cutie?"  
  
Cid shuffled, skittered, and narrowly avoided being squashed by Blank, who had wandered into a wall.  
  
"I've got an eensy-weensy favor to ask you, honey buns."  
  
Baku turned, ears and etc. twitching. "What is it, you buggy beauty?"  
  
"See, I've got this niece in Alexandria...she's really hot, and just sixteen, the age I like 'em. I've had the hots for her for a while, and so if you wouldn't mind..."  
  
  
  
AND SO THE EPIC JOURNEY BEGINS. TUNE IN NEXT TIME, WHEN ZIDANE DISCOVERS THE POWER OF TRANCE MUSIC.  
  
And that's a wrap. Look, this isn't for everybody. If you'd rather opt out now, s'fine with me, it's been nice to have you. If you're still with me...see ya around. 


	2. Chapter 2

And so we arrive, munificently, at what could only be called the dreaded Chapter Two…

FINAL FANTASY IX - AN INTERPRETATION

Chap. 2

The Love Airboat cruised silently through viridian skies, headed towards ALEXANDRIA, the White Trash City. Ahead of them, they could see the great spire of ALEXANDRIA'S DILDO lifting boldly into the sky, shooting directly out from the castle (sometimes called 'The Pubes.') Tantalus was set to give a stunning performance called 'I Want To Be Your Canary,' a tragic story about a young man with a fetish for birds and a young woman with a fetish for young men who had fetishes for birds.

The Tantalus members all gathered for a meeting, all except Zidane, who slid down a ladder and entered a dark room. As he entered the dark room, a very strange feeling overtook him. Zidane began to get the feeling that some MYSTERIOUS POWER was controlling him. He began to feel as if his movements, actions, and choices were all at the mercy of some HIGHER FORCE. He also began to feel CONSTIPATED, but historians believe this to be irrelevant. The MYSTERIOUS POWER compelled him to walk forward and light a 60's retro lava lamp, and immediately he heard a voice from the door.

"Like, who the !@#$% is that?"

Zidane started to answer, but was suddenly assailed by doubts as to his own identity. He waited passively while the MYSTERIOUS POWER* decided whether or not to keep his name, and was finally relieved when he was allowed to.

*Nota Bona - There will be no more references to the MYSTERIOUS POWER, but it's safe to assume it's out there. Trust me, it's there.

"It's ZIDANE, you !@#$%!"

Having verified that Zidane really was Zidane, the other Tantali members came out the door to join them. About to engage in light talk and a little frottage, the quartet was suddenly interrupted by the appearance of Baku, who had been dancing to Dire Straits in nothing but a dragon mask and had mistakenly busted through a wall.

Not one to be daunted, however, Baku promptly raised his three-foot long vibrator and attacked.

The resulting battle was full of courage, defiance, hatred, fear, sorrow, love, anger, distrust, friendship, and in fact most of the known human emotions. Let it suffice to say that by its climax, Zidane was lying spreadeagled across a hemp-woven rug, Marcus had on strawberry-flavored panties, Cinna had painted HAMMER LOVE 4EVER on his forehead, and Blank had walked into the CD Player and now the EASY LISTENING MUZAK was blaring across the ship. As for Baku, well, we'll leave that to your imagination.

Once recovery potions and joints had been administered to all, Baku donned a form-fitting leotard and led them all into the room.

He leaned against a wall, and blinked several times. "Arighty, lez get dis funky shiznitz started!"

Marcus cheered. "Hells yeah, sucker! Be a bitch an' pass the bowl this way, Cinna mah man!" Cinna obligingly passed the shake, shwag, and roaches, and Blank promptly walked into a wall and knocked himself out.

"Dude," inquired Zidane, "is he blind?"

Baku took a hit and promptly sneezed, because he was allergic to the reefer. He took another hit and sneezed again.

"Man, I wonder why I'm sneezing' all the time…" he ruminated with sagacity, but soon his thoughts returned to the briefing. "Arigh', you pretty-in-pink punks, you! We're gonna kidnap the finest bod and the tightest little," he coughed,"…ahem, we're gonna kidnap Princess and Sweetass Garnet!"

There were many gasps and sharp intakes of breath. Nearly everybody had a comment.

Marcus: "Damn, this is some good peyote. You pick this up in Dali?"

Cinna: "Does this makeup make me look fat?"  
Blank: "When did we put a wall here?"

Only Zidane was silent, although whether it was from deep introspection or just being really friggin' high, this historian is unaware.

Baku sneezed, took a hit, sneezed. "So, like, here's the plan. We're gonna bust in and do that one strip show they always love, 'I Want To Be Your (sex) Canary.' While they're all applaudin' an' getting' their freak on, Zidane an' Blank'll sneak in an' grab that seriously sweet ass. Any questions?"  
  
Marcus: "Damn, this is some good peyote. You pick this up in Dali?"

Cinna: "Does this makeup make me look fat?"

Blank: "When did we put a wall here?"

Zidane had the distinct impression that if he asked 'So, we're going to kidnap Queen Brahne, right?' 50 times, Ruby would bust in and beat the crap out of him.

"So, we're going to kidnap Queen Brahne?" he asked, fifty times. Ruby came in and beat the crap out of him. This sense of precognition was deeply distressing, so he decided to put his Strategy Guide away.

***MEANWHILE, IN ALEXANDRIA, THE WHITE TRASH CITY***

Everywhere there was wonder, excitement, and rampant horniness. The popular adult group TANTALUS was coming to down, and that meant cheap beer and orgies for everyone, at least everyone who wasn't home making Ilia a dress. Making Ilia a dress seemed to be a major pastime in the city, people would spend literally days of game-time doing it. More on Ilia later.

One little figure was walking down the street. All that was visible from the top-view was his big pointy hat with "KICK ME" imprinted on the back of him. As he walked, a small boy ran by, paused, and kicked him hard in the stomach. The figure doubled over and fell, and the boy ran off. The figure slowly drew himself to his feet, and straightened his hat for the nine hundredth time.

"Why does everyone keep doing that…why does nobody like me…?" the young figure lamented. Upon closer inspection, he was revealed to be a small boy who was sadly born without a body, and whose clothes were held up by a mysterious Deus Ex Machina that also enabled the boy to speak without vocal chords, hear without ears, and piss in the wind without any of the proper equipment. The young boy's name was VIVI.

Vivi was a member of the radical group called the BLACK MAGES, not unlike our very own Black Panthers. They advocated equal rights for Black Mages, held frequent, shadowy conventions, and were prone to torching the bejeezus out of anyone who didn't agree with them, i.e. everyone. Their catchphrase was KILL! (the white man.) They were a steadily expanding group in the Alexandrian area, and required an entrance fee of 50 gil to become a member.

But Vivi was here to have fun. He was here to see the show. Despite the fact that his TICKET was really the receipt he'd gotten for a pack of Bazooka Joe, he was determined to try his best to gain admittance. However, before he headed towards the ticket booth, he felt himself strangely inclined to search the city, and was delighted to find that the wonderful, welcoming people of Alexandria had apparently left him various caches of potions, hits of LSD, Barry Manilow CDs, and CARDS.

(Nueta Bonissimo: CARDS were a widespread phenomenon in the world of Gaia, and were played in the following memorable manner. Two players would sit across from each other at a table. The first one would put down a card, and take a shot of Jim Bean. The second would do the same, ad infinitum. The first one to pass out lost, and the winner got to keep all the CARDS, plus whatever Jim Bean remained. Big Cheese of Lindblum CID was said to be quite the CARDS player, although it was rumored that he cheated.)

After Vivi had robbed the city blind, he trundled merrily down towards the ticket booth, pausing only to get the crap beaten out of him five or six times. When he arrived at the booth, he shuffled his feet, fixed his hat, and turned big yellow eyes on the tickemaster, who looked suspiciously like Ronald Reagen.

His story was about to begin…

THUS ENDS CHAPTER THE SECOND. STAY TUNED FOR MORE PULSE-POUNDING ACTION.


	3. Chapter 3

(Author's Note: Although I appear to be writing this out of my own sadistic tendencies, I really DO want to hear what you think. Mostly I want to hear how much you think I suck. So review it and don't pull any punches.)  
  
MY GOD! CHRIS JERICHO HAS CLIMBED BACK INTO THE WRING WITH THE REFEREE ON HIS BACK! HE'S FEEDING HIM PISTACHIO ICE CREAM AN-  
  
Without further ado, Chapter 3.  
  
Final Fantasy IX - An Interpretation. Chapter 3.  
  
The ticketmaster (? or Ronald Reagen) took a close look at the ticket. It certainly appeared to be a very ordinary Bazooka Joe receipt, but something was wrong. The ticketmaster (? or Ronald Reagen) was an old pro at these things, and he could smell a rat from a mile away. He adjusted his suspenders and glared down at Vivi.  
  
"License?" Vivi dug out his ID, showing him as fifty-five, female, and not qualified to drive without corrective lenses. "Registration?" He procured his certified Mages R Us card, which gave him full license to bitch, moan, and not get any useful spells until disc 2. "Insurance?" Vivi was insured for five years or five thousand falls.  
  
Suddenly the ticketmaster hit upon it. He directed Vivi to stand against the side of the booth, where a line was done out in ink about five feet up. Next to it were inscribed the words, "YOU MUST BE YEA HIGH TO SEE BAKU NAKED." Vivi was a good six inches short, high-heels and all. The ticketmaster belched smugly and shouted "NO ADMITTANCE" in his face. Vivi shrieked, fell down, got up, got kicked, fell down again, got up. When he had recovered enough, he screamed.  
  
"NOOOOO!"  
  
"What's the matter?" asked a passing lunatic, "is the champagne not Korbel?" He sniggered quietly to himself before falling through a hole into the deepest pits of hell, because this author does not like people who still think that goddamn line is funny.  
  
"By the way," added the ticketmaster, "when ALLEYWAY JACK sees you, he's gonna kick your scrawny little butt." He then shut the window and exited our lives forever.  
  
Since it was either wander around or go home and masturbate, Vivi decided to wander around and compound some desolation. First he jumped rope with some little girls, but as they gave him cards instead of sex as reward he soon tired of that. He wandered into an alley. A man with four arms and a propeller beanie walked towards him, and Vivi stopped him.  
  
"Um..." he said, "Are you ALLEYWAY JACK?"  
  
"Yeah," said ALLEYWAY JACK, and kicked his scrawny little butt. Then he showed him how to play cards, stole 1000 gil from him, dropped a CHIMERA ARMLET, told him his treasure hunter rank, and departed. Vivi, unconscious, absorbed all of it not well at all.  
  
When he had recovered and done the obligatory straightening of his hat, a little rat carrying a ladder ran into him. When he had recovered and done the obligatory straightening of his hat, he got a closer look at his assailant. The little rat was wearing little bell-bottoms, a red beret, and a pair of false-mustache glasses. He waved.  
  
"Hi," he stated, "I'm not the prince of Burmecia."  
  
Vivi looked confused. "Who said you wer-.."  
  
The rat got angry. "I'm NOT the prince of Burmecia! I'm not! You bastard, why're you always accusing me?"  
  
"But I-.."  
  
"So," said the rat, in what was presumably the only tone he ever used, "Would you like to be my slave?"  
  
"OH GOD YE-...I mean, uh...yeah, sure," replied Vivi, with perhaps just a bit too much enthusiasm.  
  
"Good," said the rat, "let's get started. Go stand over there and do a little dance if you see anyone coming."  
  
"Aright," agreed Vivi. He toddled over to the end of the alley and kept a sharp lookout.  
  
"See anyone coming?"  
  
Vivi squinted his eyes, making him look like an Oriental black mage. He saw eight cats in "PARTY NAKED" t-shirts doing the conga, O.J. Simpson (looking for the real killer, undoubtedly) and a group of six hundred people making Ilia a dress.  
  
"All clear."  
  
"All right!" Puck proceeded to steal Dante the Signmaker's LADDER and WHISKEY FLASK. A couple of healthy swigs had him whistling the National Lullaby of Burmecia, and he proceeded to impossibly tuck the ladder under his arm and dash off for THE BELLTOWER. Vivi toddled after, and upon arrival, found himself confronted with the oddest of creatures.  
  
The creature was roughly two feet tall, and covered in white fur, which was stained with hemp-water. It wore dark, circular sunglasses, and had two small wings with flowers tattooed on them. It bobbed its head amiably as Vivi entered.  
  
"Kupo, man...frickin' KUPO."  
  
Vivi blinked. The rat stepped up to perform introductions.  
  
"This is Kupo, a moogle for MOGNET, Alexandria Division. MOGNET, as you probably know, is the principal drug cartel in the whole friggin' world."  
  
"Yeah, man...but we're jonesin' big time, man...jonesin' big time. Our big daddy ARTEMICION's all f---ed up an' now nobody's gettin' their happy pills, you dig?" Kupo nodded and nodded, seemingly in some sort of hypnotic trance.  
  
"Er...yeah." Vivi didn't see at all, but it seemed safer to just nod and smile. Unfortunately, he couldn't smile, so he just nodded.  
  
Kupo shuffled, inhaled deeply, and continued. "So, like...we need you to come through...big time. You gotta come through like a bitch, kupo. You're gonna have to be the supplier, at least until ARTEMICION gets his bon-bon outta his ass and gets things in gear. You dig?"  
  
Vivi was having a hard time keeping up with Kupo's atonal drag, punctuated by many sharp intakes of breath, mutterings, and frequent allusions to "The Happy Clown." When he thought he'd got it, he nodded.  
  
"Aright, coo, man...I got some rufies I want you to split to Monty, you dig?"  
  
"Fo sheeza," pronounced Vivi solemnly, accepting the stuff. As he was turning to follow the rat up the ladder, another of the MOOGLES walked in, this one wearing a sharp black suit and carrying a briefcase. Kupo greeted him monochromatically.  
  
"Yo, Stiltzkin, have any hash?"  
  
"No," answered STILTZKIN. "But I've got a big journey ahead of me. Whole bunch of notices to put out...I'm so happy..."  
  
"This," explained Kupo, "is Stiltzkin, the Repo Moogle. He busts around the world evicting this moogle and that moogle and does some seriously uncool things, man. A real buzz-kill, man. Yeah..."  
  
Stiltzkin took a bow and wandered off, and Vivi was left to clamber up the ladder and make his way across the memorable ALEXANDRIAN ROOFTOPS. It was here that Vivi's status as a slave came into play, because to cross each gap between houses the rat forced Vivi to fling himself across and let the rat walk over. When Vivi enquired as to why this was necessary, considering the gaps were all two feet across and easily jumpable, the rat explained matters in the following memorable manner:  
  
Slaves are meant to be walked on, and you're one. Power-trips are very important to not-princes of Burmecia like me. Lick my testicles, you craven, gutless coward. I like lollipops.  
  
Having clarified matters considerably, the duo proceeded to cross the rooftops with commendable grace, dignity, and aplomb. The only task remaining was to make their way over the castle wall and into the performance. This was accomplished with the rat smacking Vivi across the back as hard as he could with the ladder, sending him flying over the half- foot gap and down into the castle commons. The rat proceeded to ditch the ladder and step over himself.  
  
The performance was about to begin....  
  
It's over. It's all over. There's nothing less, at least until I scrounge up some energy and write the next chapter. In the meanwhile, yeah, go ahead and review it. I'm interested to see if anyone's following me here or if I really am just a deranged, sick lunatic. 


End file.
